


Winds of Change

by Kohakugawa



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: I Don't Even Know, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kohakugawa/pseuds/Kohakugawa
Summary: Just when Kai-Shirr is starting to realize that maybe he has feelings for his dear friend, Alphinaud returns to Eulmore for an extended stay. Set post-Shadowbringers, pre-5.1.
Relationships: Alphinaud Leveilleur/Warrior of Light, Kai-Shirr/Alphinaud Leveilleur
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Winds of Change

All it took was a word about Eulmore — a rumor or even just overhearing a conversation about the Warrior, and Kai-Shirr found that his chest would tighten considerably. It wasn’t a sense of fear or dread— nothing ominous or even negative like that. In fact, it wasn’t even in response to the Warrior’s name; it was instead their association. Instantly, Alphinaud’s face would appear in his mind, provoking further inquiry in the depths of his mind. Was the Warrior coming? Would Alphinaud be with them? Very ordinary thoughts, and yet he found himself on edge, both desperate to know the answer and also afraid to find out. He’d never experienced such an indescribable apprehension, and it had been this way ever since… Well.

It had been this way ever since he saw Alphinaud in that dress… or at least, at the time, that was what he had presumed to be the case. In actuality, it was his twin sister Alisaie, but the image and the overall concept had yet to leave his mind. Embarrassed by this thought and its implications and every reaction of his that stemmed from this root, he had done everything that he could imagine to try to free himself from the hold it had on him— to no avail, of course. When next he returned to Eulmore, he told himself, he’d just have a talk with him like normal and the whole affair would at last be settled.

That’s what he told (and convinced) himself, but he had prepared for a  _ visit _ from Alphinaud, something that would allow Kai-Shirr a means of an easy escape for… you know, if things perhaps didn’t pan out so painlessly. A confess-and-dash! He’d just explain that his mind keeps going back to that moment, and Alphinaud could surely explain the reasoning for it on his behalf. Barring that, it was a small world that remained after the Flood, but it was vast enough. There would be plenty of opportunities for him to hide away and cool his head for some time. Why was he doing this again? Perhaps there was no need to disclose it at all…

But then, these contradictory thoughts only began to surface because the word was that Alphinaud was indeed returning (and much sooner than anticipated, at that), but he was also to be  _ staying _ in Eulmore for an indefinite amount of time. That fact should not have altered his plans, really. (Not that the “plan” of simply talking to his friend was any grand sort of scheme.) Nonetheless, the doubt set in, and Kai-Shirr found himself swiftly volunteering for every task imaginable, particularly those that required venturing to other lands, and otherwise keeping himself busy by any means available.

Alphinaud spent much time with the Chais (with whom Kai-Shirr had also come to spend much of his time with), and so for the most part, minding his location was an easy task. However, he also made himself generously available to any and all who would desire to seek his counsel. He was so approachable, and yet that fact didn’t settle Kai-Shirr’s heart in the slightest. Sometimes, he would watch Alphinaud for an opening, pledging to himself to stop being so ridiculous and just  _ talk _ to him already. And then Alphinaud would turn, and their eyes would meet, and he would become overwhelmed, as if certain that his thoughts were being clearly read. Without warning, his body acted on its own and dashed him away from the situation, making it all the more difficult to attempt the next approach as it compounded the humiliation he was creating for himself.

This trend continued itself for days… How many, he lost count. He certainly had made a right mountain out of a molehill. It started with a strange feeling, but now it had grown out of control. Now, he would have to explain his behavior, for each and every time he let his anxiety control it— and for what reason? All because he was worried that he might not make his usual expression when looking upon his friend’s face. That worry became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and now he had become unsure or how to even face him again. And  _ that _ thought…

He clutched at his chest. It was tight again, but unlike the previous instances. It hurt, in an emotional sense but it also manifested into physical tangibility. It was with this new development that he became frustrated with himself, enough to remind himself of his promise to repay Alphinaud’s kindness. He had yet to make good on that, and while he felt another measure of embarrassment over this as well, he had since been able to channel it into proper determination. Not wanting to risk losing it again, he hurried to meet his friend, who was thankfully in the Eulmoran plaza where he was easy to locate.

“Alphinaud!!” he hailed to him, quite suddenly (and while Alphinaud’s back was turned). As a result, he was startled to attention, and he turned around with eyes wide.

“Kai-Shirr,” he greeted in return, albeit alarmed. “Is everything all right?”

“Oh—” Kai-Shirr froze in reply, suddenly aware of his overeagerness. “No, of course! Just fine, of course! Sorry, I just…”

He trailed, both his voice and his eyes, and Alphinaud smiled warmly, sensing immediately that despite his words, something was indeed weighing on his mind.

“Why don’t we relocate to the balconies? I could do with some fresh air,” he suggested.

At once, all of his worries seemed to fade away. Alphinaud had such a way of soothing people with his calm elegance, and Kai-Shirr wondered how he ever wound up avoiding him. He nodded and followed him outside, where Kholusia’s characteristic breeze greeted them. It cleared his head— perhaps a bit too much. Now that his doubts were so effortlessly dispelled, he lost all sense of where to begin speaking. As if sensing this as well, Alphinaud obliged to initiate.

“It has been some time since we last spoke,” he noted. “I am glad to see that you are well. I’ve been told that you have been keeping busy.”

“Told…?” Kai-Shirr echoed back, some of his discarded embarrassment building back up inside of him with a flush of heat to his face. Had he asked after him…? “Ah, that’s right! I’ve been trying to find a place for myself here. It was your efforts that got me through the gates, but I want to earn my place on my own. Not like this is a place for the elite anymore, but… You know, it’s a proper society! And so, I want to do my part!”

He got a bit over-enthused by the end of it, raising his voice unintentionally, and he realized it at the last moment, making a conscious effort to reel himself back in. Though none (save Alphinaud) were around to judge him for his outburst, he could feel the sting of such a gaze nonetheless.

“You’re not alone in feeling that way,” Alphinaud said gently, leaning over the railing as he looked out across the land. “As you know, the Eulmoran citizens are mostly learning themselves as a whole what it means to be a society. There isn’t a place for you to  _ earn _ here. Everyone is working together to build this society. So, that includes you, too.”

There it was again. That indescribably tightness in his chest, the clouding of his senses. Why? He wasn’t showing him any more kindness than he bestows upon others. And though Kai-Shirr knew that he was a man of honor, that he would only say what he felt in his heart was the absolute truth, he still felt as though these words were meant to bring him a zealous amount of comfort— and it did just that, but his mind demanded more answers over what his heart would simply accept. Just being in his presence was both soothing and yet driving him mad. It wasn’t right; it really was strange of him to feel this way…

But the more he looked at Alphinaud, the more certain he felt that he was the source of it all. He’d always held him in the utmost regard, ever since he had saved his life with his abundant kindness. Since then, he’d looked up to him as a role model, had endeavored to become like him in each day in his every interaction with others.

So when did it move past that? Was it truly because of meeting his sister? That image? That day? Embarrassed though he was to admit it, seeing her had summoned a very specific thought to his mind:  _ If Alphinaud had been born a girl… _

But he stopped it right there, not only because it was so irrelevant, but it was disrespectful to his dear friend. However, upon realizing the difference between the siblings, a follow-up thought had entered the back of his mind, whispered to him indistinctly:  _ What does it matter if he isn’t? _

Naturally, he had pushed those hypotheticals far down into the recesses of his consciousness. It wouldn’t be proper… not because of his gender, but because of their close affinity. Besides,  _ most _ importantly, there wasn’t a chance in the world that such a feeling would be reciprocated. And even if he dared to hope that it could, Alphinaud came from a different world— metaphorically, but as it would turn out… Regardless, he pushed it down, he denied it, and without his realizing, it had grown this strong.

He told himself he’d mistaken it. Gratitude for love; it wasn’t so uncommon in this world. But this “assurance” didn’t satisfy, didn’t comfort as it ought to have, and it must have been the thought itself. “Gratitude for love.” Love? Why love? All this time, he claimed to have been confused by his feelings, but in talking himself through it, he saw now that he had always been away of his condition. All of that embarrassment, it was for something that he had already known to be true. No, in actuality, it never was embarrassment, really. The problem, it had always been— 

Fear.

Fear of rejection. Fear of the impracticality— the impossibility. Fear of exposing the sin that had since occupied his mind. Yes, that. No matter how incapable he may have been in stopping these thoughts, he still thought them. He still  _ allowed  _ them. He… liked them. But to harbor such secret desires towards a close friend, is that nothing short of a sin?

That’s why it had hurt this whole while. That’s why his chest would go tight in his company or when occupied with thoughts of him: it’s a pain of guilt and a melancholy for what could never be. True, he’d decided this for himself now, though he was meant to discuss it with his friend. That  _ was _ the plan, but now that he reconsidered it again, perhaps he truly wanted Alphinaud to answer for him. He wanted to push that burden onto him, to sift through and sort out his feelings for him— but to what end? Because he would be gentler? Or because he would be fair… He would explain to him in no uncertain terms how this would end.

And it  _ would _ end.

Was it unfair to unburden himself of his feelings at Alphinaud’s expense? Is it more unfair to withhold such personal, such crucial information from him? This was the last trial weighing on his mind as he gazed at Alphinaud, watching as his eyes shined in the moonlight and his hair gently swayed in the breeze. If it’s things to worry about, Alphinaud already had more than his fair share… Despite how carefree he appeared in that moment, that fact would always be true. Conversely, Kai-Shirr stood in the shadow of a pillar, his hair too short to be much affected by the wind. His tail swung from side to side gently as he lost himself, deeper and deeper in thought.

“Kai-Shirr?”

Alphinaud’s voice entered his domain, waking him from his somber reverie. As before— no, more so— his eyes glowed with concern. Before Kai-Shirr could respond at all, he felt a cool hand upon his (though he didn’t realize it until now) heated forehead. He jumped back on instinct, startled by the touch, and in doing so, he hit the back of his head into the pillar beside him. The impact caused him to cry out, though he did his best to bear through it. Alphinaud, feeling guilty for having provoked this, was quick to apply some curative magicks. The soft glow lit up Kai-Shirr’s features, the worried furrow of his brow, the gentle sweat that had broken out across his face, and the frightened look in his eyes. With the aid of the illumination, he realized what Alphinaud must have seen in him, and he looked aside, unable to change the expression on his face.

“Sorry!” he shouted quickly, hiding his fact as best as possible. Not wanting to cause any further harm or discomfort, Alphinaud took a step away, thought he still tried to turn his head in an effort to find his friend’s gaze.

“No, allow me to apologize,” Alphinaud corrected. “I hadn’t meant to alarm you so…” He hesitated then, trying to assess Kai-Shirr’s condition. “Are you absolutely certain that nothing is amiss?”

“Nothing… serious,” he finally admitted, allowing some small concession. “It only concerns me. I think— maybe I’m just a tad under the weather, is all.”

“Is that the case?” Alphinaud responded with more concern and less relief than Kai-Shirr likely anticipated. “Have you been pushing yourself too hard? Mayhap you should retire early tonight and—”

“No, I’m fine!” Kai-Shirr interrupted, instantly contradicting himself. As he turned with his protest, he at last caught Alphinaud’s gaze. The same worried expression he’d been wearing himself was now mirrored by his friend, and the guilt overrode his defenses. “I’m— I just—”

He stammered out attempts at conversation, searching for something to grasp in Alphinaud’s eyes, but he could only see his sins reflected. This is what it meant to keep his feelings to himself. The air between them would always be veiled with this secret that obscured it and divided them. Or maybe this was an inevitability of the fate that defined them. But it was too much weight, too much pressure, and it would certainly crush him to bear it alone. Most of all, he wanted him to know. He needed him to know just how important he is. Not just to Eulmore, not just to this realm— but to him. He owed him that much, at least.

“Weren’t you,” he started again, clutching at the tightness in his chest as he tried to find his way through his emotions. “Weren’t you at all upset with me? I’ve avoided you so many times now…” His voice was uncharacteristically soft, defeated— ashamed. “To you, who I owe  _ everything _ — my very life! I—”

“Avoided?” Alphinaud interjected with unbridled confusion. “I’m well aware of the many tasks to which you oversee. There’s no need for you to feel personally responsible for the time constraints of your commitments.”

“That’s not it…!” Kai-Shirr insisted, rejecting his kindness and understanding painfully, but he’d never be cleared of the guilt if it could be allowed to be brushed aside with a convenient excuse— and one that he’d created for the purpose, as well. “That’s not it… I took on those tasks so that I  _ would _ be too busy! I was so glad when I heard that you were coming back. I was! But— I wasn’t ready for it, in my heart. I wasn’t ready for  _ this _ .”

“I’m not sure that I…” Alphinaud started to explain, but Kai-Shirr raised a hand to silence him, which he obliged earnestly upon seeing the seriousness of his face. He needed to get it out, but he also needed a moment to collect his thoughts and find his courage, a task easier said than done.

“I-I think that I... “ he began, immediately shaking his head in disapproval of the start already. “No— Well, I’ve been doing some thinking… Or rather, it’s like the thinking has been doing its own for me? The thoughts were there before I realized, but—” He stopped himself again with another shake of his head. He could go on like this for eternity if Alphinaud allowed him, and he just might with his patience.

Opting instead to return the gesture from earlier, he reached out and took one of Alphinaud’s hands within both of his. As expected, this alarmed him to a degree, but he kindly waited for Kai-Shirr to continue at his pace. Kai-Shirr, in turn, felt the weight of this moment and the ticking of a clock resounded in his chest with each passing moment that he let the words go unsaid. It was a knocking at the door, one that he’d ignored for so long, and it begged to be released. Even so, it was so difficult to simply answer the call. He thought that his heart might burst before he could free it, but he finally took one deep breath and shouted it at once, so that he might not have the opportunity to stumble again.

“I like you!!”

He felt Alphinaud’s hand twitch in response, a mere reflex of surprise, but that was the first piece of evidence that he had, in fact, successfully voiced his thoughts. His own hands trembled in response, and he let go of his friend’s hand instinctively, afraid. As long as the moment prior to his confession had seemed, time since appeared to have stopped altogether. Was he still breathing? He placed a hand back upon his chest to confirm his own vitals. And what of Alphinaud? Did he break his friend? Was it too much…?

Though it was released, Alphinaud’s hand remained suspended in the air, the shock of the confession clearly having frozen him. He prided himself on his ability to handle any sort of situation with a calm rationale, even if his emotions have been demanding their fair share as of late. However, while he’s no stranger to this scene, he hadn’t been so acquainted with the receiving end, and… He just didn’t it expect it  _ now _ , from Kai-Shirr, that this had been his dilemma all along.

Realizing his own prolonged silence, Alphinaud then brought a gentle fist before his mouth, and he cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn’t come as easily as they most often do. He looked to Kai-Shirr for support, and in seeing those eyes wide with so many emotions, he did find enough. He smiled, and that was enough for Kai-Shirr to relax and return a smile as well, though perhaps a bit more hopeful.

“Thank you for telling me,” Alphinaud offered, which seemed to deflate Kai-Shirr’s expectations somewhat, his ears lowering in anticipated disappointment. “As for an answer…” he trailed then as he seemed to consider the matter as earnestly as possible. In truth, he didn’t quite have one readied. It would be easy enough to reject him, even though he would feel bad about it, but… Was it too soon to finalize it all? As far as romantic relations were concerned, Alphinaud… may have only just realized that it was in his heart as well because the thing holding him back now was a flash of an image of the Warrior of Light in his mind. That wasn’t anything that he dreamed would ever come to fruition, but— could he ignore that instant of hesitation?

“I-It’s fine! You don’t have to say anything!” Kai-Shirr pleaded, unable to take the silence anymore. He waved his hands wildly, desperate to move on. “I just thought… well… you should know.”

“Kai—”

“Really, it’s fine! I know you’re busy, so it’s fine if you have to go… I should go back to my tasks, too, so… Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you!”

He turned, and despite Alphinaud trying to call for him, he took off at full speed. In his absence, the blowing wind at once felt so incredibly chill, and Alphinaud shivered, bringing his hands to his arms to try to warm them against it. It was his fault; he was too reserved in his response, too concerned with his own feelings. But he couldn’t have him running off to gods know where in this state. What if he were to do something rash? Plunge himself too deep? Perhaps Alphinaud was fearing the worst, but one thing was certain: he ought not to be left alone right now. Even if Alphinaud couldn’t give him the answer he desired, he could be there for him as he had been all along: as a true friend.

First things first, where all investigations begin, he would have to ask around after him.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write a one-shot thing just to finish something but then I'm bad at ending things and it got too complicated for me so... sorry for the abrupt ending! I guess there will be more at some point?


End file.
